Does your girlfriend know that? and A Word for women

One of the questions I have to ask when I interview an incarcerated individual for my program is "Are you married or in a committed relationship?"

Nine times out of ten, especially if I've put on makeup and brushed my hair that day (and most times that doesn't even matter), the answer is, "Oh, definitely no."  I knowingly smile and move on to the next question.

Interestingly, it always seems to be these same guys who have visits from young females who love to hug them, hold their hands and bring their children to come and see their daddies.  Oh yeah, and they bring them Wendy's or pizza or whatever it is they're craving that day.  And they put money in their accounts, buy them shoes and get them metro cards.

The thing is, I'm tempted every time I see these girls to ask them that same question...are you married or in a committed relationship?  Because I have a feeling I would get quite a different answer.  And then- in this world where I would actually ask this question to females I don't know at all- I would follow it up with the following sequence of comments.

1.  Your man is a scumbag, who won't even admit to someone that he's in a relationship.  And you do what for him?

2.  Buying him shoes, food or other things will not make him faithful to you.  In fact, another girl is probably visiting him on the days you can't come by because you work two jobs to provide for your children.

3.  You deserve more than this.  Maybe you believe you're complete trash.  But you're not.  Respect yourself enough to not give him everything he wants all the time (whether that be things or your body or what have you).

Don't get me wrong; there are some gentlemen I work with who truly love their wives and/or significant others.  But most days, what I see is young girls offering themselves to be used by guys who don't give a flip about them.  Unfortunately, too many of these girls end up pregnant and alone or grasping at anything and everything possible to get this guy to stick around, to love them.  Most days, I don't get the opportunity to talk to these young girls about what they're doing.

But what I can do- and do as often as possible- is remind the guys here that those girls who sacrifice so much for you?  Who gave you children?  They're someone's daughter.  They're someone's treasure.  They're Someone's creation.  And whether you want to be with them long-term or not, at least have the decency to treat them with an ounce of the respect that you so desperately seek yourself.  You don't have to love them.  You don't have to be with them.  But you have to respect them.