That second ultrasound is what led to the events that left three 1/2 inch scars in various places around my abdomen today. After years of hoping for a baby- rarely, if ever, ovulating makes pregnancy a tad bit tricky- we saw on that screen a very,very slow heartbeat, getting slower by the second; a sure sign of fetal demise. But what was worse was that this little bean was implanted in the completely wrong location (my left fallopian tube), already causing extensive internal bleeding and, if not removed immediately in surgery, a very real danger to my life.
I had experienced absolutely no pain. Unlike most women who google "ectopic pregnancy" I hadn't thought that's what could be happening. But I remember telling M on our way to the doctor's office for that first ultrasound that I just felt like something wasn't right. Not because I was in pain, not because I had any real reason, just...because.
24 hours later I was waking up in recovery. The pregnancy was gone.
A few nights later, we had the pleasure of starting our 4th anniversary in the emergency room, as my body continued the process of healing and cleaning itself out- just all at once, rather than over a period of time. Two weeks later I was mostly healed, minus my still sore scars, and we headed back to the doctor's office, to have the "wtf" conversation.
That's when the prayers began that God would redeem the month of September for us.
And now, a year later, six days away from my due date and five days away from our 5th wedding anniversary, waves of movement roll across my belly.
God has been very gracious to us.
I still read blogs and have a very special place in my heart for women who long desperately for children but whose prayers do not result in a biological or adopted child. I praise God that we were "lucky" that our infertility was only one-sided (me); many others find that both husband and wife have issues that make pregnancy nearly or completely impossible. I lament that adoption is not financially possible for many, many families that desperately want to enlarge their family. I cringe at the often insensitive (but completely unknowing) statements made to women who have been married for more than a few years of "so when are you going to have children?" My heart aches for other women, silently suffering because infertility isn't something many people talk about, especially in the church.
But I praise God that He somehow, very graciously, protected me from hating Him or hating my fertile friends. The one thing I was so sure of after our ectopic pregnancy was that God wasn't happy about this either; He mourned this loss WITH us. He reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not my fertile friends, just as they are not me. His plans were- and continue to be- very different for each of His children. Of course there were moments of "why me?" and "you've got to be kidding me she's having baby number seventeen". But then I would remember, "Liz, that is not you. I have something different for you. And remember, I am still good," said tenderly over a mourning heart.
God has been very gracious to us.
I have absolutely no idea what parenthood to this little life inside me now will bring in the next few days, months and years. But in the last year I have learned so many important lessons; I have been united to my husband in ways that have made me love him even more; I have been given a compassion for those who are still waiting. I have been able to know more the kindness of God, even in the face of very real pain.
God has been very gracious to us.
