Finally, something to see

I don't even remember now what day we bought our house, but I believe it was June 5th or 6th.  Yep, nearly 7 months ago.

Every time we have a conversation with someone who we don't talk to regularly, we get the question, "So how's the house?'  I guess seven months in, people would expect us to have it, you know, inhabitable and decorated and hosting dinner parties every night.  Obviously these people don't know the life of two people who work more than full-time, are doing 98% of the work themselves, and have other competing priorities simultaneously filling up our lives.  Or what a house looks like when you buy it from an old couple that literally did NOTHING to it in the thirty years that they lived in it.

So when M completely re-roofed the dormer, put in a new window and put new siding on said dormer, no one "ooohed and aahhhhed" because it's a freaking dormer and really boring.  And when we painted the dining room and entry way, that was cool, but the floors still needed to be refinished and the kitchen was (is) still a ghastly sight, which sort of ruins it for the nearby rooms.

But FINALLY there's something that people can see, and ooh and ahh and begin to picture what the house will look like when it's done.  Now it's just one room (and he hasn't put the wax (?) on the floor over the stain yet) but M spent his day refinishing the floor in the first guest room.  And it is looking pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

Granted, he still has to do more to it and then we have to prime the walls again and paint them and paint the closet door and reattach the radiator covers, but, friends, THIS is finally something I feel good showing to people. 

Seven months later, it feels like we're on the verge of things coming together.  Expect a dinner party invite sometime in 2013!

Gun Violence

If I had to guess, I would say 80-90% of the men and women I work with every day have at some point in their life possessed a weapon.  In their world, a gun (or multiple guns) carry a three-pronged value.  They provide protection when carrying out illegal activities; they provide a way to scare/attack/revenge/teach other  “players in the game” who may need to be dealt with; they very rarely (though it does of course happen) are used to scare innocent people who may be the victim of a theft, car jacking or burglary.  Interestingly, I’ve found that those who commit these sorts of crimes rarely, if ever, WANT to use violent force, they just want to scare the victim but sometimes feel their hand is forced when things spiral out of control.  Violence, it seems, is reserved for those who are in the game.

In this world, guns are usually obtained illegally and gun control laws mean little.  It is this world that those who are against tighter restrictions like to talk about: the violence of Chicago, Detroit, DC, for example.  Here’s the problem with that argument: the majority of this violence they quote is young black man against young black man.  The gun violence of these cities is overwhelmingly confined to the urban ghetto, not the pristine suburbs.  Of course this is not the whole story, but it is a hefty, hefty piece of it.

In this world, violence stems from the game that is played, an unwillingness to be “disrespected”, a desire to protect one’s turf, product or reputation.  Most of the perpetrators would say that the victim had it coming by something they did, said or took.

Then there is the world of mass murder, like the disgustingly horrific tragedy in Connecticut.  According to the Washington Post, of the sixty-one mass murders that have taken place in the last twenty years, the guns that have been used have been legally obtained in nearly 50 of the incidents.  The demographics of the shooters are different, the shooters usually being described as socially-awkward, isolated, troubled individuals, many with a history of some sort of mental illness.

The perpetrators of the first world look at the perpetrators of the second world with the same disgust as you and I do.  They would never, ever think of walking into a movie theater, school room or other gathering of people and shoot randomly.  That’s not how they play the game.  I know, because I talk with them every day. 

So I’m left to believe that to compare the two worlds- and think that policy decisions to deal with them are the same- is so very, very wrong. 

The first perpetrators described need help learning how to manage anger, to feel and believe they have value outside of their reputation.  They need more economic opportunity, better school systems, stronger family support structures.  Would tighter gun control laws help?  Maybe, but probably not.   

The second perpetrators described most often need psychological help, pro-socialization support, a place to be heard and understood in a world that they feel is out to get them.  More resources spent on researching the human brain, on best practices of dealing with psychological disorders, better monitoring and better testing.  Would tighter gun control laws help?  Maybe, but probably yes.

I am sickened by what happened in Connecticut.  It is, to be frank, evil.  I am also sickened that this country is losing so many young, black men to gun violence every single day.  We, as a country, have to do something about both situations, to have the hard conversations about gun control, yes, but also about better schools, better economic opportunity, better psychological support, less violent media, and so on and so on.  May we be brave enough to do so.