They've Probably Got Something for That

Last night, M and I ventured once again to Chinatown. And let me here pause and rail against the Chinatown of DC. DC, you know I love ya. But really? Writing "Starbucks" in Chinese does NOT a Chinatown make. Or Urban Outfitters for that matter. And certainly not Ann Taylor Loft.

The thing about Chicago's Chinatown that is so thrilling is that one, it actually appears (to someone who has never been to China) to be somewhat authentic to at least a small piece of daily life in China (minus the millions of people, but, whatev.) Secondly, nearly every other store is some sort of weird "pickled or dried stuff in a jar" sort of store. Doesn't that just make it feel more real? I submit that it does.

And so, of course, we went into a few of the stores. And we saw items such as this.

Those are dragon balls. Giggle, giggle.

Sorry, I can't help it.

But. Wouldn't you think they would be...

Ahem.

Anyway.

These, according to the looked-slightly-out-of-it-but-probably-a-very-nice woman, are good for weight loss. Thanks for pointing that out, ma'am. In fact, she said, this tea squeezes the fat out of you. Well in that case, please, give me a couple pounds of this magical treatment. Only problem...one ounce of this stuff costs $7.50. For those of you who aren't math majors, that's a whopping $120 per pound. Um....one ounce will suffice, thanks. I'll ration.

The crazy part is that these beautiful balls (sorry, I'm still giggling) aren't even close to the weirdest or most expensive things in the store. There were, of course, dried shark fins that cost over $400 a pound. And according to the internets, shark fins do all sorts of things from lowering your cholesterol, to making you happier to giving you mercury poisoning. Fun stuff! And there was ginseng everywhere, which is good for, well, I'll let Wikipedia tell you (and why did they have so much of this stuff?!). Or maybe you would be interested in the dried oysters or scallops, and their, shall we say, pungent aroma. Then there were the HUGE mushrooms- I'm not kidding when I say they were at least a foot in diameter- or the whale flipper in the glass case. God only knows what else was in that crazy store. (Because many of the signs were only written in Chinese, and I'm assuming God knows Chinese, so He would know.)

But my favorite? Oh my favorite. By far. And crap, why didn't I get a picture of it?

Sea cucumber.

I will spare you the details of what this lovely little thing looks like (because seriously, it's worse than the Washington Monument). But, like ginseng, these bad boys were everywhere. And coming in at about $50 a pound for the small, dried ones, quite a good buy. Apparently sea cucumbers are not only a delicacy in some Mediterranean countries, it's also good for lowering high blood pressure, treating disorders of the kidneys and reproductive organs, reducing arthritis pain, possibly HIV therapy and a whole host of other things. It's a miracle underwater plant/animal thingy, people! A miracle drug! Patent it now!

So whatever ails you, it's good to know that Chinatown is the place to go. (That should be their public television ad!) Because, let's face it, our medicine might as well be made in China.

Everything else already is.