Your Inner Self

It’s hard to imagine a world where you have to ask if someone cares for you and if that care is sincere.  I take for granted that my family and friends care of me is not dependent on what I have or what I can do for them.  Their love and affection have little to do with my bank account or prestige in what I do.  They love and care for me- though I myself sometimes wonder why!- for reasons completely separated from my financial standing.

This isn’t quite the case for Mark.  When he was sent to federal prison nearly 6 years ago and his homes, property and money were seized, friends and family somehow started falling by the wayside, too.  True, a few remained faithful to him, but the vast majority no longer saw what they could get from him and decided, no doubt, to look elsewhere.  Some still call, but it’s usually to ask “what’s good” or to convince him to get back into the game.  Hardly any form of true care or concern.

I imagine this loss of friends and family has made it desperately hard for Mark to trust much of anyone.  And why should he?  These friends and family don’t love him- they’re simply using him for what they can selfishly gain.  What does it do to a man to be abandoned- at your darkest hour, no less- by those you believed cared for you most?  What does it do to a man’s sense of self-worth?

Sometimes I really do wonder if I am one of the few people (besides his mother and sister, who I believe love him deeply, and hopefully a few friends) who care about Mark, about the future ahead of him, the possibilities that await.  Will all these so-called friends and family suddenly appear again come January when he walks out these doors?  Will he know who to trust?  Will there be anyone that he can?  How does a mid-30s man build new friendships, based on the mutual admiration of the inside of the person?  Is it even possible?

I wish I knew the answers to these questions.  I wish I could hold his hand- and the hands of so many others in this same predicament- as they make this transition home.  But then, that’s not the real world, and would hardly be helpful in the long run.  I can’t walk this path of reentering a family and a community for Mark or others.  But I can help Mark learn that there are people in this world who will and do have genuine concern and care for him and certainly don’t want him doing anything that risks his life again, whether that be by death or imprisonment.  There are people out there who won’t like you because you have money, or cars, or status. 

And maybe, the truth is, it has to start inside Mark.  Sometimes I wonder, on his darker days, if Mark truly knows that he is a person to be valued outside of his illegal activity.  If he really believes that people will love and care for him for reasons other than what they can get from him.  Maybe the best thing I can do is affirm Mark for being who he is- a child of God, a man with a past but who is no longer held captive by his previous way of living.  Maybe then Mark will see that he can trust others who genuinely care- and trust himself.