Hello Foot, Meet Mouth

One of the things I get to do at my job is help men and women obtain vital documentation such as a birth certificate, social security card, state ID or license.  I've practically become best buddies with the people at the MVA, and I've been known to call other states to try and get a birth certificate for someone who didn't know how to spell his mother's name.

Yesterday, I was helping Sally, a resident here, get her birth certificate.  Sally (not her real name) is in her thirties and a mother of seven- yes, seven- children.  She's hilariously funny, loves to cook and loves her children fiercly.

I picked up the phone and dialed the number to the Department of Health, as Sally sat in my office.

me: "Hi, my name is Liz and I work with incarcerated men and women.  I'm working with one young lady to help her get her birth control."

CRAP!  What did I just say?!!

"I mean birth CERTIFICATE, birth CERTIFICATE" I yelled into the phone, as the lady on the other end of the line died laughing.

We're just trying to be realistic

The other night- after a Sunday spent looking at houses- M and I put together a list of what we would want in a house.  Of course I had to share.

Priorities:

3+ bedrooms (2+ upstairs)

2+ bathrooms (1+ upstairs)

full basement with separate entry for rentable apartment

has NOT been fully renovated or flipped

back yard (or yard generally) large enough for garden

good bones (not more than 100k in renovations needed)

brick or wood exterior (not asbestos or vinyl siding)

front or back porch (covered)

Pluses:

1+ Fireplace

detached garage/workshop

basement with bath & kitchen included already

detached single family home

original wood floors in good condition

second story porch

central air

large master bath

Jacuzzi out back

Wine cellar

Sauna

55 bedrooms

indoor water slide

horse

original maid and butler

dungeon

trap doors

library

money bin

treasure (preferably enough to cover the rest of the cost of the house)

chapel and chaplain

brewery

distillery

smokehouse

tobacco curing shack

teepee

Let's be honest here: the original maid and butler are non-negotiable, people.  And I'm hoping that I'll finally, FINALLY, get to actually keep a horse at my house, like I used to beg my parents for.

A HPH take on the Royal Wedding

Did you hear?  Prince William married his long-time girlfriend, Catherine Elizabeth Middleton!!!  I know, I was completely shocked when I heard it, too; I mean there had been NOTHING on the news for weeks, no months, about the blessed event.  And in true British royal style, a small, intimate affair was completely pulled off without even a hint to the mass media.  Yet again, the royal family has succeeded in keeping their laundry (dirty or otherwise) out of the public eye.

Right.

So what did we here at Hyde Park Heroes think of the wedding?  I'm so glad you asked!  Because I am a true connoisseur (yes, that's spelled right) of all things royal as of, well, yesterday, I thought I would fill you in on my thoughts on the matter.

1.  It's a ghost!

When Kate first stepped out of her hotel into her sweet ride, I thought "Oh, she's borrowing Grace Kelly's dress!  What a symbolic gesture to the hundreds of thousands of Americans who care more about this wedding than the Brits do!  And what a great way to save cash in troubled times!"  Upon closer examination, of course, I realized that while the dress did look strikingly similar to the former Queen of Monaco's 1950s look, Kate's dress was beautiful in and of itself.  I really do mean that.  And of course showed a lot more skin.  Which is always appropriate for a wedding, right?  I mean have you ever seen "Say Yes to the Dress"?  Especially that see-through "looks like lingerie dress" that all the Jersey girls love?  Classy.  We've come a long way in 50 years...

2.  Can't see the forest for the trees

While I like to think that the trees that were brought into Westminster Abbey made the whole affair look a little more, well, "British country shabby chic" I would have been SO PISSED if I was one of the guests who had flown in from Lesotho or Israel or the Jersey Shore or wherever and was stuck looking at a stupid British tree.  Wow, it's a oakus maximus.  How thoroughly boring.

3.  Not his best side

I get that dear William isn't supposed to watch his bride walk up the aisle (which, good Lord, took long enough!  Get there already!)  Unfortunately, it also gave us a 3 1/2 minute view of his bald spot.  Poor guy; each day he looks more like his fuddy duddy father (are you allowed to say that about the future King?  Of course!  That's why we fought the revolution!)  Someone get this man some Rogaine! 

4.   See no evil, hear no evil...

I literally laughed out loud when I saw this picture.

Not because kiss one and two were both slightly awkward, but because of the priceless face (and hand placement) of the little girl on the left.  Poor thing, it was so loud!  And besides, she's only like what, four?  Enough with all the pomp and circumstance already.  Someone get that girl a lollipop.

5.  I think someone wore this to prom

I'm sure Pippa is a nice, sweet, ladylike young woman, even if her name is horrible.  But I'm also pretty sure that I saw this very same dress at our high school prom in 2000.  Is she going retro?

______________________________

Ok, ok, I've been a little harsh (and I haven't even mentioned the ridiculous fascinators worn by some members of the royal family).  But when we spend so much time thinking and talking about one royal wedding, we're inviting in a few snarky comments.  That said, it truly was a beautiful day and, hopefully, a sign of good to come for the royal family.  More importantly, I think it would do us good to remember the words of the Anglican priest who gave the homily:

Every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future. 

Every wedding is about more than who wore what, what the flowers looked like or the hats that someone wore.  Every wedding reminds us of our place in creation.  Every wedding reminds us of the gift of oneness.  And ultimately, every wedding reminds us that we are the bride of Christ.

Now to pick out my tiara...

2011: The Year of the Spreadsheet

I have a weird love for Excel spreadsheets.

Chalk it up to my three years in monitoring and evaluation (also known as that time in my life when I was surrounded by people much, much smarter than me). Or maybe it's the simplicity they afford, with all the magic formulas out of view.  Or maybe it's all the colors you can use to color code things.  Pink for economic analysis!  Green for financial!  If/then statements!  Pivot tables!

Even now, as a Volunteer Coordinator, my love for spreadsheets is pretty evident.  Good Lord, if you had seen my Christmas Store matrix.  4 tabs of spreadsheets, y'all!  What can I say, I love them.

But I have to be honest.  Beyond listing out info on schools M was going to apply for (two years ago now), I've never really used spreadsheets in my personal life.  They've always been relegated to that area also occupied by suits, 7am alarms and sack lunches.

Until now.

Just yesterday, I realized that spreadsheets are a great way to create a family budget.  And they're great for calculating a "desired salary" for the job M will hopefully be getting in the next few months.  (Sidenote: his desired salary is that amount at which we can live in a small apartment and pay bills.) And they're also great for planning meals, creating an easy shopping list (and remembering if you had stuffed peppers three days ago) and tracking what you're actually eating.  Yippee!  My love can now come home!

So hear ye, hear ye!  I now pronounce 2011 the year of the spreadsheet!

I'll be sending you a template with all the appropriate formulas later.

 

So that's what they mean when they say "quilted"

I just don't even know what to say, except, every time I enter the bathroom at our church here in Hyde Park, this is what I see.  And so I'm finally sharing it with you.  (Yes, this is now the second time I've taken a picture in a bathroom.)

Marvel at its beauty, friends.

And without further ado, I bring you "Quilted Midwestern"

(Not to be picky or anything, but for some reason it annoys me that it's out of order.  I'm just saying.  Unless the person between square one and two used a lot of...well...you know...)

Multiplying Like Rabbits

We're not.  At least not yet.  If possible, we would like to have lots of kids (4 or maybe more).  But like I said, we're not the ones multiplying like rabbits quite yet.  Check back in a few months.

I'll tell you what's multiplying like rabbits.  The Hyde Park rabbits, that's what.  I kid you not, we saw at least ten rabbits of all shapes and sizes on our walk yesterday.  In the bushes.  In the road (hmmm...someone might want to talk to them about that...) In the grass.  Granted, if I could live in the bushes near this, I probably would, too.

At least rent would be less.

Why should it surprise me that there would be rabbits galore in Hyde Park?  I don't know, maybe it's because CHICAGO IS THE THIRD LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA!  (I mean it's not exactly Mr. McGregor's garden.  Even though the British do now own the formerly-named Sears Tower.)  And yet, here they are.  In all their cute, hippity hoppity splendor.  In the middle of a city.

And I have to say, there's something beautiful about that.  That nature continues to exist in this little corner of Chicago.  One of the things I love most about Chicago, actually, is its green space.  It was designed that way- parks galore.  And I appreciate it.  Trees and grass and beautiful flowers are a much-needed break from pavement, skyscrapers and highways.

Now if only I could find my recipe for braised rabbit.

Just Call Me Nadal

M and I have been playing tennis together for over three years now.  And by playing tennis, I mean that he hits the ball very softly towards me and I still sometimes miss it.  I admit it.  Tennis isn't my best game.  But I love playing it, love being outside and am glad it makes him happy to play, too.

And I'm getting better!  He's started doing his little spin ball move on me and he legitimately has to run after quite a few of my shots (I'm learning ball placement.  Finally.)  Granted, I'm the one doing the most running, but hey, I need the exercise.

With a forecast of partly sunny and 85, M and I headed out to the University tennis courts again today, having been shut down yesterday when they were all full.  Despite no room yesterday, we were able to play in our own little cage today so I didn't have to worry about hitting other people with our balls (I have no idea what this layout is called, but there are two courts in each "cage," ie, there was no one on the other court).  

And then, about five games in, the clouds parted, a bright ray of sun appeared on me and...I WON A GAME AGAINST M FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't remember what the score of the game was, but what matters is that I BEAT HIS ARSE.  WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  Rafael Nadal, watch out.  This Hyde Park Hero is comin' to get ya.

(Now is probably the point where I should mention that M then went on to beat me soundly for the rest of the day.)

I think this is my upstairs neighbor

PLEASE, PLEASE STOP JUMPING OR THUMPING OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU'RE DOING.

Thanks.

In European News...

In case you bought into the bit that all Brits are stodgy, I point you to this.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Official_Monster_Raving_Loony_Party

Oh yes, the Raving Loony Party. I think the States might have a few politicians who are unofficial members of that party, too...

Things I Wish it was Still Appropriate for Me to Do

Sidenote: I think I've been into lists lately.

Confession: I'm now 28. And at 28, some things just aren't appropriate to do anymore. I know, I know, "fight the man," "do what you want to do" blah blah blah. But let's be honest. If you saw me doing some of these things, you would totally judge me. Totally.

Here's a partial list I've come up with of things that I would love to still do but feel like I probably shouldn't because I'm supposed to be an adult now.

1. Take naps in the middle of the day.

2. Blow huge bubbles with my bubble gum (which, OF COURSE would be the really fruity, sugary type)

3. Watch cartoons on Saturday morning (though I HAVE watched them while working out)

4. Skip.

5. Wear adorably cute, frilly dresses. (Hey mom, maybe you could smock another one for me!)

6. Eat gummy fruit snacks with my lunch every day.

7. Stick my tongue out at people when I'm mad at them.

8. Throw myself on the floor when I'm mad (I'm not sure I ever did this, but it appeals to an emotional person such as myself)

9. Wear one of those really cute blow-up inner-tubes that has an animal's head on it. When I go to the pool and the beach. Not just around.

10. G0 to the local pool and go down the water slide.

11. Play in the sprinklers.

12. Have an Easter egg hunt.

13. Finger paint.

14. Sleep with my Tigger stuffed animal.

15. Sell lemonade and rice krispy treats and cookies outside for a profit. Without a license.

The good news is that, one day when we have children, many of these things will suddenly become appropriate for me to do again (maybe not #8, but I'll let you know). I think I will SO be that mom who is more into playing in the sprinklers than her children are.

And I'm ok with that.

Really Weird Things about Me

The blog has been a little serious lately, so I thought I would lighten it up by letting you know just a little bit more about me or, rather, some of the weird things about me. It starts with this:

- I was once run over by a float in a parade.

- From the age of about 12-18, I turned my feet sideways while going down the stairs because of a book I read.

- I cry every time I see a baby being born (so far this has only been on TV. Including The Office.)

- I once broke my thumb dancing to my Disney record on my Fisher Price record player.

- I used to hate pickles and bell peppers but now love them.

- I have taken language classes in Ancient Greek, French, Spanish and Arabic.

- I used to play "Bar" when I was little.

- I love- and I mean LOVE- lima beans.

- I also used to play "Orphanage" when I was little.

And there you have it.

Of course, M just said, "You never even told me half that stuff." Oops. That's why they say you're always learning something new about your spouse, I guess. And somehow the fact that I played bar as a child hasn't really figured into our relationship until now.

Go figure.

Eastern Comfort?

This past weekend, M and I finally took the plunge and paid the majillion dollars to go to the world-famous Chicago Art Institute.

It was worth the majillion dollars.

First of all, you can come in and out all day. That means that you aren't held captive to eat their ridiculously expensive and probably bland food. Instead, you can go to Five Guys. (Yes, it exists here. Believe me.) That also means that you can park in the metered "2 Hour Parking" and just feed the meter every, you guessed it, two hours. And save yourself the majillion and one dollars you would pay to park in a garage.

The Art Institute is phenomenal. Check out my pictures on Facebook for an idea of all the amazing art. But there's one thing in particular I want to bring your attention to.

Chinese pillows.

Yes, Chinese pillows.

"Those aren't pillows!" you're thinking. Well, you're thinking wrong. They might look like big lumps of stone (which they probably are). But they're not. They're pillows. Don't believe me? Here's my proof:

The little description claims that these "supported the neck while sleeping and allowed an often elaborate hairstyle to remain intact during the night." Hmm. Two points to make here: one, how freaking long is your neck that one of these things fits comfortably underneath it?? And two, I'm from the south. Don't tell me about "elaborate hairstyles". Have you seen Steel Magnolias? Or any Dolly Parton video? I'm just sayin'.

I mean surely they didn't find these things comfortable, did they? A hard stone under your head? I can imagine they were as comfortable as getting your hair shampooed in a salon every night. For eight hours. Didn't they have feathers they could stuff in cotton and call it a real pillow? Or use their arm? Or a rolled up floor pad or something? Anything softer than...a stone?

Eastern Comfort. Nothin' like it.

Friday Round-Up

Praise the Lord, it's Friday! Here's what happened this week.

1. I somehow pushed the cork of our wine bottle INTO the bottle, instead of pulling it out. What can I say? I can do amazing things. I also sprayed red wine all over my white shirt in the process. Awesome!!

2. I drank 20 full glasses of water at work over the course of the week.

3. It snowed. Again.

4. It was butt cold. Again.

5. I finally got a new pair of jeans that look halfway decent.

6. I learned who invented the stoplight. (Thank you, Breakthrough youth Black History Month celebration!)

7. I made an awesome PowerPoint.

8. I successfully kept myself from mindlessly watching TV. We did watch Lost, but that's not mindless. AND, Lost (and new episodes of The Office) are part of our Lenten agreement with God.

9. I purchased our tickets to DC for Easter.

10. I arrived EARLY to work 3 days.

11. I almost ran out of gas twice.

12. I brought my lunch to work 4 out of 5 days. And the other day doesn't count because we were celebrating all the February birthdays.

13. I added 30 people on my LinkedIn profile in an office competition. And I would just like to say that what should matter is how many you have, not how many you can acquire in two weeks. I'm just saying.

14. I did the "2:30 Candy Dance" around the office. Don't ask. It's sorta scary. And there might be children watching.

15. Umm...probably lots of other stuff but those are the standouts.

Ok, so when I list it out like that, it doesn't really amount to much, does it? But hey, it's the small victories, right? RIGHT?!

Have a great weekend!

Top Things I Love

Oh my gosh, it's been so long since I blogged. But...it was my birthday and then we were in Florida (it was great, thanks for asking) so I am WAAAAAY behind. Anyway. My apologies. Let me fill that void now that has been in your life.

Let me tell you about the top things I love. Obviously, numero uno, God (does the Trinity take up numbers 1, 2 and 3). Number two, Mason. And number three? Let me introduce you to...

No, not Delta. THE COOKIE! Biscoff, to be exact. Now that's not REALLY the thing I love the third most in the world. Because you can't forget family and champagne stoppers (sidenote: the stopper is so good that I'm still drinking the bubbly goodness of the bottle M got me for my birthday. No, I didn't drink it all that night.)

But OH MY GOSH! What is it about these little cookies?! EVERY time I fly Delta I feel my heart beat just a little bit faster when I hear that little drink trolley headed my way. Ok, I'm slightly exaggerating. I even ate the cookies on 3 of the 4 flights to and from Florida this weekend, despite my low sugar diet...and subsequently only felt slightly guilty by all the "bad food" we ate the rest of the weekend.

Maybe it's because they're European? Or because they're sweet but not too sweet? Whatever the reason, I love them. A lot. And they're practically free, right? Minus that whole "$250 you just paid for a ticket" thing...

The Rules

Because we live in an orderly society, their are certain rules that we all must abide by (unless you think you're above them--I'm lookin' at you Maryland drivers--in which case you ignore them and totally annoy the crap out of everyone else). These rules are a little different depending on where you live...for instance, did you know that in the country of England they DRIVE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD??! I know! Oh! Oh! And in the Czech Republic PEOPLE YIELD TO BICYCLES. Mind-blowing!

Apparently, like these other exotic locales, Chicago has its own set of rules. Here are five that I've observed so far. Let's call them "Chicago Winter Rules."

1. If you park in front of my sidewalk, it's totally ok for me to shovel my sidewalk ONTO your car.

2. Lawn chairs and orange cones really do save a parking spot. And if you take it, your tires will be slashed. (I wish I were kidding. I'm not.)

3. It is not my problem if a huge piece of snow flies off the top of my car and smacks your windshield, making it impossible for you to see for a terrorizing 30 seconds.

4. It's so much more fun to yell instructions from across the street at the "foreigners" (ie not from Chicago) who don't particularly know how to get their car out of the 2 foot wall of snow (see rule number 1) that is around their car. You wouldn't want to actually cross the street and HELP.

5. It's really fun to scare these same "foreigners" by telling them that it will still be snowing in mid-June. And the reason it's fun is because it's true.

Oh, Chicago...

An Open Letter to Target

Dear Target,

Let me say this up front. I love you. (This is not to say that I don't have a problem with some of the things you do, but...well...I'm working through it.)

Now let's be honest. If I'm looking for quality, or something that will last me more than, say, a year- give or take a few months- I'll turn to my other loves (Banana Republic, Nordstrom's, local boutiques) to get the job done. And if I want jewelry that I will literally wear forever, I'll probably try and convince M to buy me something from Tiffany's again. And if I need a staple pair of shoes that I'll wear at least 4 times a week, Kate Spade is my girl (ok, so this has only happened once, if you don't count the adorable KS wallet my sister got me for Christmas. But still, a girl can dream, right?)

But I love you. I love that I bought the wreath on our door (the one that's been hanging there since September) from you for $19. I love that I can buy three new pairs of pants (because my other ones don't fit and I don't want to invest in really nice pants until I'm at my goal weight) on our current budget and not hyperventilate. I love that toilet paper is so cheap, but I don't have to buy 14,589 rolls like I would at Costco (I've got bigger issues with Costco anyways). I love that you make cute lingerie for lingerie showers, and cute baby things for baby showers and cute birthday cards for birthday parties...and everything in between.

But.

Seriously?

Your entire shoe section yesterday was sandals. Flip flops. Open-toed heels.

Really?

You realize that I live in Chicago now, right? CHICAGO. Where it hasn't been above 35 in about two months. CHICAGO. Where it's odd if there's not at least some snow on the ground from November through March. CHICAGO. Where it won't be time for sandals until, well, probably June. All I wanted was a cute pair of boots (since I left my last ones in a hotel in Atlanta). In February. When people are still wearing boots. And will be for another two months. Is that too much to ask? I know, I know, you roll stuff out in your stores nationwide. But last time I looked it ain't real balmy around most of the country right now. I'm just sayin'.

Don't get me wrong. I'll continue to love you. I'll continue to buy cute clothes from you (oooh, and maybe bathing suits in a few months!) and I'll still buy your toilet paper and laundry detergent and makeup brushes. And I'll still turn to you for cheap wrapping paper, cute cards and other gifts. But. You let a girl down, Target. And I think you deserve to know.

And since I know you're probably feeling horrible about all this, I can send you my address for some "we're sorry" gift cards. It's the least you can do, right? I couldn't agree more.

Love,

Hyde Park Heroes

The View from the Bathroom

THE BATHROOM!!!

I'm not even kidding. This is the view from the 96th floor women's bathroom in the Hancock Building. And yes, I had my camera. In the bathroom. Actually, it was in my purse, which was in the bathroom with me. Which sounds much less weird. Right?

Hear ye, hear ye, should you ever come to visit us in Chicago, we have to go to the Hancock building. You can either pay $15 to go to the "observation deck" (which is inside) or pay less than that to sit at a cocktail table and knock back champagne. Guess which one we chose...

And you really can't beat this view. Chicago, 96 stories up.

Uh, what?

Two "Uh, What?" moments today (sidenote, this is a new series on my blog. As of right now):

1. Ok, so like 94% of America, I'm watching Lost right now.

Uh, what?

I mean...huh? I get the whole Locke's body thing. And I understand that somehow they're not there but they are there, without being there. Right? And Miles still talks to dead people and Sawyer is still a bad actor and, man, I wish I had Kate's arms.

Other than that...um, what? Who are these new hippie people?? What's the deal with crazy Jacob? Is Locke the bad guy in the dark vest who is Jacob's arch nemesis? This is just getting ridiculous. And there's still 30 minutes to go...

2. One of my little kindergarten kids that I tutor on Tuesdays through Breakthrough said today, "Miss Liz, you have big eyes. Like a hamster."

Uh, what? And...thanks?

There were probably unicorns, too

First of all, I want to confess that I've been a little slow on my blogging lately. Mostly because work has been really busy with our Christmas Store (huge success!) and because by the time I get home I'm exhausted and don't want to look at a computer. So, there you go. But now, I've returned!

This weekend, M and I flew to Atlanta for approximately 30 hours to go to my cousin Patrick's wedding. We really, really enjoyed ourselves and it was great spending time with family. Granted we'll see them again in two days but, whatever. Best part, besides the actual wedding during which I cried like a baby (this is nothing new), was sitting in our hotel room with my sister and her husband, cousin and soon-to-be cousin in law drinking champagne out of plastic cups. Our family is from Kentucky, after all.

On the plane ride home, we floated, err, flew above a big storm. You know, like when you look down and it's just a blanket of white below you? You take off and it's gray and gross and then you get above the clouds and...well...it's just magical.

SO magical, in fact, that Mason and I saw BOTH ENDS OF A RAINBOW. It was actually a rainbow circle.

Can you see it? And no, it wasn't the reflection or anything. It was a big rainbow circle!!! And don't we win some pots of gold or something for this? Because I can send you my address, Mr. Rainbow. Although since you're magical, you probably already know it. (Just don't send chocolate gold coins, because we're trying to cut back on our chocolate intake. Thanks. Love ya!)

It's Practically Summer

Have I told y'all about Hyde Park Produce? Oh, right, yes. Just every other post. But in case you don't remember, it's one of the best produce stores ever!! EVER!! As long as you don't buy the expensive organic other stuff (who needs organic flaxseed boxed macaroni and cheese? Apparently lots of people in Hyde Park). For that we go to the hell hole that is Village Foods. But I digress.

Last week I went into HPP to get a few vegetables for the week. (By the way, I have successfully fed M and myself on broccoli, canned tomatoes, rice, zucchini, squash, a frozen chicken breast and peppers pretty much this whole week.) Anyway. When I walked in on Wednesday, my heart stopped for a second.

Wait.

Is that?

A PINT OF STRAWBERRIES FOR $1.99!!!!!!!

YESSSSS!

Not only were they cheaper than I have EVER seen them, they also tasted so amazingly great. Sure, there was something deep, deep down inside of me that thought, "Hmm. I don't think these are in season and I'm supposed to care about that" but that thought was quickly replaced with, "Mmmmmm."

Sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Now I'll watch the snow fall as I munch on my summer treats.